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Influential Men of 2008

by Miles Mathis

Zuckerberg, most influential Trekkie

49. Kevin Rose, Digg
Lil Wayne, rap
Criss Angel, magic
Alex Rodriquez, baseball
Sidney Crosby, hockey
Ryan Seacrest, TV host
Thom Browne, fashion
David Simon/Ed Burns, HBO writers
Lewis Hamilton, Formula One
40. Brett Favre, football
Heath Ledger, actor
Jacques Herzog, architect
J. J. Abrams, TV producer Lost
Andrew Farah, electric car designer
Sam Houser, video games Rockstar
Tiesto, musician
Brad Pitt, actor
Harvey Levin, gossip
Judd Apatow, director Thirty-year-old Virgin
30. Rafael Nadal, tennis
Junot Diaz, novel writer
Arnold Swarzenegger, actor
Liu Peng, Olympics organizer
Jimmy Kimmel, TV host
David Beckham, football
Lakshmi Mittal, Indian billionaire
Jonathan Ive, tech designer iphone
George Clooney, actor
Usain Bolt, track
20. LeBron James, basketball
Ben Bernanke, politics
Kobe Bryant, basketball
Kayne West, music
Thom Yorke, radiohead
Jon Stewart, TV host
Dana White , UFC
Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook
Tom Ford, fashion
Lorne Michaels, TV producer
10. John McCain, politics
Ronaldo, football
Rob Kay, video games Rock Band
Christian Bale, actor
Gordon Ramsey, TV chef
Stephen Colbert, TV host
Robert Downey, Jr., actor
Michael Phelps, swimming
Steve Jobs, computers
1. Barack Obama, politics

Such a list really makes one wonder why anyone “asks men” anything. Actually, no one does except magazines that want to sell them things, via their advertisers. It's like all those fake polls you see online, made to snag you into some site where they try to market something you don't need and don't want, like an IQ or personality test. The readers who voted in this survey need to take an IQ and personality test—to see if they have one. What do these “influential” men influence anyone to do, exactly? Yes, buy stuff they don't need.

I have been positively influenced by only one of these men, Junot Diaz, via his interesting novel The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. I had never heard of 21 of them before reading the list. I think Jimmy Kimmel and Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart are funny sometimes, but I am not influenced by them. I am influenced by Obama and McCain and Bernanke, but only negatively. They give me a pit in my stomach that won't go away, a low anxiety, a fear of the future, and small desire to get up in the morning.

I don't own a mac, an iphone, any vidgames, a $5000 suit, don't cook, and don't watch TV, except DVD's of Bewitched, so the rest of these bozos, though known to me, do not impress me in the least. An architect might impress me, but not for a sports stadium. Bernini impressed me. Wren impressed me. Modern architecture does not impress me or influence me, except to wish I lived in the past.

I am not impressed by billionaires. Just the opposite: I simply assume they are bigger crooks than the millionaires. Mittal is especially unimpressive. He gave money to Indian Olympians. So what? He delivered steel to the new World Trade Center. So what? More billionaire charity/publicity, learned from J. P. Morgan. I am sure his tax write-off exceeded his charity. Obviously, his robbing exceeds his charity, or he wouldn't be a billionaire.

But let's look closer at some of these names. David Beckham and Ronaldo, influential? If you made a bowling ball by fusing both their petrified brains, you couldn't knock over a matchstick. How can you influence anyone by playing football? You can influence a bunch of kids to buy soccerballs and shoes and jockstraps, but that is about it. Oh, and David can influence straight men to look gay, to wear perfume and use make-up and shave their balls.

Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, influential? How? They never say anything but trash talk. They don't know anything but basketball. They can influence kids to play basketball and to buy $200 sneakers, and that's it.

Twelve of these guys are athletes and fourteen are actors (I include the politicians as actors). Athletes and actors are not influential, they are just famous. Even the politicians are not really influential, since they are frontmen for those doing the real influencing. You don't influence people by reading off Teleprompters. You fool people into being influenced by the guys behind the curtains, which is a different thing.

The only influencing among these actors was done by Clooney, when he retold the story of Edward R. Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck. But that was 2005, and that was propaganda. In other words he was whitewashing Murrow, who was a pawn of the CIA, not some white knight of a free press. In 2008 Clooney was a "messenger of peace" (read pimp) for the United Nations, which has become another front for globalism and climate change propaganda. Clooney, like Anderson Cooper, is either CIA or a CIA pitchman.

Robert Downey, Jr., is on the list for his role in Ironman, which also has a political slant to it. Unfortunately, the slant is to further glorify the Pentagon and covert operations like S.H.I.E.L.D (read C.I.A or N.S.C) while painting Arabs as terrorists. Influence negative, and not Downey's. He didn't write the script, the Pentagon did. He just acted like a putz, as usual: which in his case is not even acting.

Michael Phelps? Influence what, selling Wheaties?

Mark Zuckerberg? Influence what? C.I.A. front. Government dupe.

Then we have two vidgame inventors, Sam Houser and Rob Kay. Influence: wasting time and money and making them rich.

Finally, we have the Ultimate Fighting organizer Dana White, way up at number 14. Influence: brain damage, not only on fighters but on viewers.

I'm very surprised we don't have a porn star on this list. But guys wouldn't vote for a male pornstar, except the guys who voted for Thom Browne and Tom Ford and Harvey Levin. Possibly on the “49 most influential women” list we can find Ivana Fuckalot or Marketa. Someone needs to find out who invented Met-Art and nominate his ass for this list. I'd vote for him over Barack Obama anyday.

Beyond that, do you really believe this list was made by voters? Lorne Michaels would have had to buy himself onto the list in the 70's, when Saturday Night Live was actually funny. Even then he would have been outvoted a thousand to one by Chevy Chase or Bill Murray. And Zuckerberg at number 13, ahead of all those actors and athletes? Bull. Another buy in, though maybe the spooks paid his way. Mittal, too. Who of these Ronaldo worshipping, Phelps sucking morons has even heard of Mittal? Same for Liu Peng and Jacques Herzog. No way Peng is going to come within five spots of Usain Bolt, and ahead of Arnold and Brad Pitt. Peng and Herzog are padding.

And ask yourself why Jobs would be number 2 on the list, right after Obama, and Gates wouldn't make the list? We must assume that is subsidized by Jobs and not Gates.

Who else bought in? Kevin Rose of Digg, obviously, since his little tag is right there on the front page, clear as day. He asked them to put him down at number 49, so that it wouldn't be too obvious. Ryan Seacrest has to be sleeping with someone at Askmen, to explain his presence. Seacrest isn't as influential as Elmo and isn't as famous as Big Bird, so he can't be here on merit.

For that matter, I don't believe Diaz got voted onto the list, though I am glad to see him there. Lil Wayne and Dana White voters don't also vote for a Pulitzer prize winner, even if he does write the word “nigger” and talk smack. I can just see it: “Let's see, I think I will vote for David Hasselhof, Gary Coleman, Buckwheat, Bart Simpson . . . oh, and Noam Chomsky.” Diaz is a bit of intellectual ballast, the editors hoping his presence would keep guys like me from writing things like this.

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