return to updates
read more Tom Turtle

The Planet formerly known as Mars

Heigh-ho all my cute animal friends. I've been reading about this new monument somewhere in South Dakota that is supposed to be bigger than Mt. Rushmore when it is finished. What I hear (and this is what is most incredible) is that even if Mt. Rushmore included the heads of Oliver Stone, Jay Leno, Rosanne Barr, and Don King (with the hair!), this new monument would still be bigger. Hah! I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Wait, Tom, you mean Mt. Rushmore doesn't include Jay Leno? Who the hell is that guy second from the left then?" As every schoolboy knows (and schoolgirl, too... I mean schoolperson of the opposite sex... gender... of the opposite personhood) anyway those famous personhoods up there are the following: George Jefferson, Teddy Kennedy, Grover Washington, Jr., and Maury Abraham.
      But this new monument is supposed to be a Native American on a horse, I think. It's hard to tell yet. The dynamite, nuclear drills, and matter/antimatter devices only went into use on Thursday, so as of today it mostly looks like the surface of the moon, only without the subtlety. Of course, that is what South Dakota has always looked like, even to the Sioux. One Sioux elder was quoted [on a sheet of paper I found under my bed] saying, "This land is much like the land everywhere else. Except less so. We think the Great Spirit maybe was still in the pre-planning stages with this land when the white man arrived from across the water. The white man drove him off before he had time to really gets his things unpacked." Anyway, when this monument is completed it will be the largest sculpture in history.
      Well, as everyone knows who lives under a rock, I mean not under a rock, I mean those people who live almost entirely above rocks, or with their primary dwelling extending beyond most rocklike structures (in a legal sense)--what these people know is, I happen to have a bit of experience with sculpture myself. In fact, I already have the idea--in the final stages of pre-planning--for a sculpture that will make this horse and rider look like... well, like a very very tiny miniscule horse and rider, I'll tell you that much. Because what I want to do is, first call up Bill Gates. And once he agrees to put up a little earnest money in the way of getting this thing off the ground... you know, it'll be a goer. The reason I call him is not because he has a whole lot of money. O.K. not only because he has a whole lot of money. But also, and more importantly, because he has such a distinquished and even--if I may say it without any cock-eyed stares--a handsome face. A face that I think would look quite fetching on the planet Mars.
      Yes, that is my plan. Now don't think I mean some puny little face carved into the surface of the red planet--just a couple of eyes and a mouth and a pair of geeky glasses... I mean distinguished glasses. What I'm talking about is the entire planet Mars sculpted like a big ball of clay into the head of Bill Gates.
      Bill, picture this with for me just one moment. On a worldwide computer link, on international computer day, with everyone wearing their virtual telescopic binoculars, we boot up via satellite a giant draped mysterious ball! That's right, no one knows what it is yet, just that you're "behind" it, so it must be big and profitable to you and maybe, by that old trickle-down thing, them. So there we all are, one world, together, joined by our expectancy, using enough electricity to light a second solar system, when suddenly BOOM! the curtain falls and the announcer says "Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing the fourth planet from the sun, Bill Gates!" Then the cheering, the intergalactic confetti, the virtual meteor shower, etc. After that, the PR possiblities are endless. Every new software kit could have an intro page with the new logo "The Fourth Planet from the Sun/ Bill Gates" and a rotating hologram of your head (the planet formerly known as Mars). And that's just for Windows2010. For Windows2020, Bill, did you know that Jupiter is 10,000 times bigger than Mars?

In a pile
Upon a log
Over the water
Third from the bottom
secreting my own hard shell

Tom Turtle

Contact me @

read more Tom Turtle

If this paper was useful to you in any way, please consider donating a dollar (or more) to the SAVE THE ARTISTS FOUNDATION. This will allow me to continue writing these "unpublishable" things. Don't be confused by paying Melisa Smith--that is just one of my many noms de plume. If you are a Paypal user, there is no fee; so it might be worth your while to become one. Otherwise they will rob us 33 cents for each transaction.